Accidentally Transmuting Yourself An Ass-Womb


Ain't no law in alchemy forbidding rectal wombs, baby!
It had come to a big surprise to them when, a bit more than seven months before, they had discovered they were soon to be parents. It had been a great surprise, but probably not as worse as it would have been to any other family, because the Elric brothers knew that there was a possibility, even if a bit small, that they could have messed something up in the drawings of the overly sophisticated alchemical arrays they used to bring their bodies back to their normal forms.


Your Girlfriend Is A Sorceress With A Sick Fucking Sense of Humour

“Hello? Itís Nurse Stephens here. Iíve come to collect Commander Leonheart.”
“Shall we go then? The sooner we find out whatís wrong; we can fool around for a while.” Squall smirked.
“I have to see Edea again; will you be ok on your own?”
“Iíll be fine. Donít worry.”
I hope so Squall
Squall kissed her lips softly before exiting the room with the nurse.
Rinoaís face went pale.
I hope he can understand why Iíve done this to him.


Donít worry Rinoa, most boyfriends would understand. Squallís a pretty sensitive, understanding guy, Iím sure heíll be okay with the fact youíve knocked him the fuck up.

Your DAD Is A Sorceress With A Sick Fucking Sense of Humour

“Your mother was so beautiful, Squall.” Laguna whispered at the mention of his late wife's name, as he tried to wriggle out from under his son.

Squall, mistaking Laguna's movements for an attempt to get him deeper, pushed into the older man as deeply as he could go.

“Please?” Laguna begged. “Don't...”

“I won't leave you, Laguna.” Squall said, the strain in his loins so great now that he couldn't believe he hadn't already come in him. He reached for Laguna's manhood and found he wasn't even erect.

~Probably an effect of the alcohol,~ he thought as he made love to Laguna. ~I'll make it up to him next time.~

“I'm going to come soon, Laguna my love.” he told the older man. “I've seen a couple stag movies, and to me pulling out and leaving it on your skin would be the same as treating you like a whore. So I'm going to come inside of you, to show you that you're not a whore. That you are my love, my cherished one, my...”

“Father,” Laguna whispered, passing out at last.


Let that be a lesson to all of you out there: If you let your son fuck you in the ass, you will pay for it. Oh, how you will pay. With great big lactating breasts and a desperate hunger for Jizz and Pickle Ice Cream.

“You made love to...?” Kiros took a deep breath, and resumed. “Squall this is important. Did you come in him?”

“Of course I did.” Squall took the cup of warm milk that Kiros was holding out to him. “I love him, Kiros. I wasn't going to treat him like a whore.”

“Damn.”

“What?” Squall asked. “I know it was a really big mistake on my part, but it can be fixed, right? I'll apologise to him in the morning. I promise.”

“Squall, how much do you know about Ellone.”

“Laguna's niece?”

“Laguna's daughter.” Kiros corrected him. “She just calls him Uncle Laguna so that he won't have to deal with the stigma of being a single mom.”

“You mean a single dad.”

“No, I mean a single mom.” Kiros told him. “Laguna is capable of bearing children.”

“That's impossible,” Squall shook his head. “How can a man bear a child?”

“If you have a moment, I'll tell you.” Laguna said from the doorway. He had washed, sobered up a bit, and put on some pajamas.

“Dad, I'm...” words failed Squall.

Laguna hugged his son. “It's okay. You didn't know.” He let go of Squall and sat down at the end of the table. “Adel was not the first sorceress I met. When I was in my mid twenties, I met a dying sorceress. She needed to pass on her power, and nobody else was around. So she passed it to me. I haven't aged since then. Sending me up to space in stasis from time to time is just a cover-up so that nobody will hate me. Sorceresses aren't well loved around here.”

“You're a sorcerer, then?” Squall asked.

“No.” Laguna told him. "I'm a sorceress."

“But you're a man, right?” Squall prompted.

“Yes,” Laguna replied. “But the sorceress essence within me remains female to this day. That is why I became pregnant with Ellone. And why I am now pregnant with you child, Squall.”

“Dad,” Squall put a hand on Laguna's shoulder, “you don't have to go through this alone. I can't marry you, obviously. But I can help you out. I won't leave you to deal with this alone.”

“Thanks, son,” Laguna told him. “That means so much to me.”


I ... alright, letís take a moment to compose ourselves here. This is a comedy website and I, by that trade, am a comedy writer. How in the name of God do you even begin to go about commenting on a po-faced, seventeen-chapter epic where Squall fucks his absentee dadís puckered asshole and gets him pregnant through his Magic Sorceress Womb? How? HOW? What else is there to fucking WRITE? How do you respond to things like:

“Quistis is right,” Squall told Laguna. "We already know she'll be born blind as a result of being the product of incest. We shouldn't take any chances."



A healthy father-son relationship is turned upside-down
Or:

“Squall is not marrying Laguna,” Kiros broke in, taking a ring from his pocket. “I am.” He knelt before Laguna and took his hand. “This isn't how I wanted to do this. I was going to ask you at your swearing in ceremony tomorrow. I want everyone to know how much I love you. Laguna Loire, will you marry me?”

“Kiros,” Laguna breathed, “I...” A tear ran down his cheek, and traced the upturned corner of his mouth. “Yes.”

“Ooh! Congatulations, Sir Laguna!” Selphie cheered, hugging him.


TRAINS TRAINS LA LA LA LA SIR LAGUNAíS GOT A BABY IN HIS SHIT-HOLE WHEEEEEE! WHOO-WHOO!

Or even:

“Well, your health seems in order,” Dr. Kadowaki told Laguna. “I expect to see you back here in two weeks.”

“Two weeks?” Laguna asked. “Is it usually that often?”

“Not usually,” Dr. Kadowaki replied. “But this is a male pregnancy and the result of incest. I'm not taking any chances. Now,” she wrote a prescription and handed it to Laguna, “you get these pills and make sure you take them. They're prenatal vitamins. You'll need them. We want this baby to be as healthy as possible.”

Which raises the question: How many Incestuous Anus Freakbabies From The Future has Dr. Kadowaki fucking seen?