Ken soldiers on like the Good German he is, though, and dispels our worries that this concept has drifted from this fond, warm feeling in our hearts to the less-than-fond feeling of passing a kidney stone. You show us, Kennyboy!


“It does NOT include sexual action: “Moe” is being calmed/soothed by watching from afar. It is not an object of sexual action.”
Accordingly, I would like to present the following hypotheses of my own.
First of all, “moe” must meet the following conditions:

  1. It does NOT include sexual action: “Moe” is being calmed/soothed by watching from afar. It is not an object of sexual action. There are other classifications such as “2D-con” for those who include sexual conduct. Looking at a bishoujo and thinking “I want to do her” is a normal sexual desire for a man; looking at a biyoujo [a girl younger than a bishoujo, synonymous with “loli”] and thinking “I want to be calmed/soothed” is “moe.”

  2. The person feeling it must be stronger: The object of "moe" is weak and dependant (like a child) on the person, or is in a situation where she cannot oppose (like a maid). Also, the person is raising her (like a pet). Accordingly, being fond of the girl as if loving a pet cat, the person is willing to put themselves in harm's way if danger approaches. (*Tsundere only: There will be times where the stronger and weaker role is reversed)


So you put moe on the level of Geocities websites which categorize every instance of a woman spreading butter on toast in film, and then you proceed to stick your fingers in your ears and sing “NOT SEXY NOT SEXY LA LA LA LA LA LA” very loudly. For Godís sake, Ken, youíre making a scene, everyone is looking this way; do you want me to give you a sound spanking? Oh yeah, Iím not a perky fifteen-year-old girl. NEVER MIND. No, the proclivities of the filthy intellectually honest degenerates who want to bang cute girls have this completely separate meaningless distinction! Moe, ~my pure heart for a, yours~, is about ogling much younger girls and wanting them to soothe you in a TOTALLY NON-SEXUAL WAY. Slice it however you want, Ken-chan, but the university's still not letting you in the Kindergarten teaching program.


“...It is a pure love which does not include any sexual action and is an exceedingly peaceful desire.”
And what the hell is up with this object-of-moe-being-weaker crap? Forgetting how ludicrously sexually backwards the whole thing is, how the hell do you figure that these characters are weaker than we otaku consuming these shrink-wrapped Hot Pockets of feminine affection? Has Ken thought about what we spend money on at all? His retarded shit, for one. I realize itís part of the fantasy that weíre actually in any way in control of our lives and the raging morass of stymied adolescent emotions and crippling self-hatred, but all this “pet” shit - do we really want a girlfriend, or do we just want a puppy? A puppy we can fuck, presumably.

Donít even fucking think about it.

I would submit the following hypothesis:
"Moe" is a "maternal affection" which a part of males have been left with that has undergone a change and shown itself and, originally, is an irregular feeling a male should not have, however, it is a pure love which does not include any sexual action and is an exceedingly peaceful desire.

  • If we suppose that "moe" occurs from a maternal affection that should be lost, could we then assert that moe otaku are basically peaceful, and do not wish for physical conflict? (They do have verbal fights, though)

  • If we think of "Love towards a pet" as an compensatory action for "Love towards a child", then it is, after all, a variation of motherly love. In other words, could the "moe" of putting nekomimi on (it's a syllogism, but...) be motherly love?

  • Is the brisk economic activity of the "moe" industry very close to that of stupid parents pouring money into child-rearing (education) expenses?


I think that the "moe" that has recently been occurring among females is an imitation of male "moe", and is false. Or, rather, should we call it the true thing since they of all people possess the original maternal love?
...What do you think?


And here comes the undeniably brilliant part of his thesis: Akamatsu has managed to put forth an argument that makes us even lamer than if we would just admit that we want to beat off to underaged, doe-eyed, beuguuu~ing cartoon girls. We want to be their mothers. Iím not going to deny that weíre all a bunch of girls, that nothing beats a good angola sweater, that we all just need a good, strong man to show us the way. Hell, Iíll categorically affirm that on all counts.


SHE CAN ORALLY FIXATE ON ME ANY TIME HAR HAR
Iíd accuse him of trying to cover up for his and our strange inclinations through a line of insufferable bullshit, but this is far too precious. The guy has pretty obviously never taken a course or read a book on psychology or philosophy. Shit, heís got a comic about eighty-nine million buxom teens who want to have sex with a cute little Mexican Harry Potter bootleg to pen, itís probably too much to ask that he even skim the Wikipedia articles. The dude just thinks “Freud” means “cold” in French. And weíre in the same boat, of course, because neither Jung nor Freud quite compare with Jung-Freud, the sexy communist space pilot from Gunbuster. Sure, we can worry about dreams and everyone wanting to secretly fuck their mother and archetypes and collective unconsciousnesses; all that crap that made Evangelion go for more than three and a half episodes. You know whatís more interesting? Jung-Freud talking about the effects of gravity on her tits. FUCK YEAH DOGGZ!

Ken is a genius this way, not in that his talent or insight is changing the world, but in how he speaks to us on this level that we donít know any better, donít want to know any better, and as long as it facilitates and validates our love of watching little boys make out with vampire girls, we donít fucking care how far out in some distant star system Ken-chanís mind is at. He sets our fears that weíre ridiculous idiots at bay for another week or two, long enough to get out there and purchase Negima volume 72,345.

Speaking of fucking mothers, maybe we do harbor a secret desire to wake up early, put on a frilly apron, prepare lunches for our darling moe daughters and our loving moe husband, send them off to work and school, then get the housework done with a short break for our stories. Thatís not even including the hot moemoe sex with our moe husband when he gets back from his hard day at the glasses, cat-ears, and cute robot girl antennae that no one knows what the fuck they do factory, because according to Ken Akamatsu we are all entirely desexed and want nothing more than to spoil our moe daughters by buying model kits of them in their underwear.

Ken closes his Galaxy-Express-999-of-thought by giving a fuck you to the house moe-ers, the studio moesters, and the punk-ass moe bitches edging in on our turf. Who the fuck do these girls think they are, stealing our lingua-franca and applying it to men? Death to false moe! Honestly, I donít even know where this line of thought has taken him. Iím still not sure what the hell moe is, really, since Ken-tan has been dancing around like Chiranjeevi - Iím not sure whatís going on, what he is saying, and why the movie is named after a brutal dictator, but itís kind of wonderful.

The aggressive males who go so far as to rape to satisfy their sexual desires have been reported on, but on the other hand, there are a large number of males who possess this peaceful essence. Moe~.
I think it is not a cultural phenomenon that has surfaced recently, but most likely something which has existed from the beginning of time.


And on the eighth day, the LORD saw what He had created, and squealed like a little girl unto Himself “MOE~~~~~!” and filled the earth with catgirls. Then when the catgirls started clawing up the LORDís furniture, which kind of pissed off the LORD, so He gave them all up for adoption. I hear Vishnu took a few, but Allah is allergic and Hera is a real bitch about cats, so Zeus was kind of shit out of luck.

Yes Ken, perhaps we all have it in our genetic code to moe. Now, if youíd kindly tell us what exactly it is - itís a non-sexual fetish where we pretend to be mothers to cute girls from afar and look at their panties and occasionally jerk off to them, but not really in a sexy sort of way, more of a motherly, tutoring sort of way. With my dick.

But the essayís over, and there is no greater understanding to be found. I smell the moe, I feel the moe, Iím deeply, deeply ashamed about the moe - but what the hell is moe? Fuck you, Ken Akamatsu. I said above not to expect brevity and clarity, and obviously, he didnít disappoint. These loopy meanderings lead me right back where I started: IS IT THE THIRD STOOGE?!?

Grudgingly admitting my lack of understanding, I grit my teeth, already worn to their nubs, and continue my quest into the depths.


MOE~~~~~


TO BE CONTINUED