III : Doll chstoß

I suffered when danbooru succumbed as much as anyone. My private fiefdom of Tsuruya hair porn pictures! My mecha musume! The various renderings of the Azumanga girls as skydivers! How will I validate my existence by voting these things up any more?

At first I was prepared to put the disappearance down to the latest outburst of Trent Reznor's ante-natal playfulness regarding Year Zero. This is less of a leap than it seems when you consider this same giddiness has already prompted him to do a full and proper Osaka impression on track 6 of his new album, and once upon a madness had tricked him to including a link to J-List on nin.com. If you pan up from The Presence far enough, the arm turns into a representation of longcat which the Japanese are busy trying to deface!

tags: Osaka, awesome, skydiving, Coleman Francis
But every parlour, like every island, has its spider: a creature so small and unpleasant to look at that scientists now classify them by the mean number of women they're likely to strangle over their lifetime. This is incidentally also how modern sociologists like to classify anime fans and, just so you know, if you did in fact go and make angry posts at rq about his stewardship of danbooru concerning its terminal phase then the one who murders women... is YOU! Don’t send me annoying emails about this, you worthless bastards, it is a scientific fact. Anyone who uses words like “exile” and “betrayal” to describe not being able to log into an anime porn encyclopedia is a danger to children and other living things.

As corrupting to public morals, as deleterious to the intelligence of everyone exposed to it for long periods, as much of a railroad spike in the gut it proved to be in terms of a healthy cashflow - it worked. We're willing to overlook everything else. Face it, we like our imageboards like we like our two-dimensional women: weak, ailing and helpless. If we're not hammering them like a latterday Novaya Zemlya what exactly is the point? Time is only getting more valuable to the modern ecchi at work or play, and frankly I will pay literally any price to become a more efficient pervert. That was the power and the glory of danbooru.

How can you even begin to sum up its richness except to say that if The Producers had been made today it would be a web 2.0 share scam involving an anime imageboard. Also Zero Mostel's character would be fatter; a full order of magnitude fatter and sweatier. He would be fat enough for his contract to require he be paid by the cubic metre. His name would be an affectation based on the Japanese fighter. He would not seduce old widows but young girls who he would bring to his office to paw and fetishise before he tried to pay them to jerk him off with their feet and not tell their parents.

Gene Wilder would carry a bodypillow with him everywhere, have self-diagnosed aspergers and social anxiety disorder, and would communicate exclusively through memes from /b/. He would have scars on his arm where he cut himself with the combat knives he carries for self defence to prove his love for Fate-chan and would post about it on his livejournal that was friends only except for the posts where he gives tips on how to pick up girls at anime conventions and boasts about losing his virginity all over their saggy costumes.

They would sit at opposite sides of the same office and communicate through IRC. Their version of Hitler would be an attractive young girl who frequently got raped by invincible Teutonic blondes. Their scheme would fall apart when it was revealed a number of their actors in the sex scenes were clearly underage. It would end with the police being called and people on the internet posting about how they deserve to get raped in the prison showers.

But that is another story...
Oh wait there's like a dozen successors. Never mind.