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Andore Jr.

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Well folks, It's that time again: Time for your old skeevy pal Tome to yammer on about his little quest. Up until about a half hour ago, I had four, count 'em FOUR (quattro, quatre, shi) whole pics of the lovely Faye Valentine's sweet, supple globes of fatty tissue. Yes folks, after nine months of searching, all I've happened across are A:) a crappy paintbrushed pic of what I think is Faye (left), B: A goddamned Faye pic with ED, GODDAMMIT ED IN A WIFFLE BALL GAG. C:) A stupid little pencil-drawn pic of Faye sucking off Jet while getting anally violated by Spike, and D:) A quasi-hot image of what I'm reasonably sure is Faye herself. Even if it isn't, that surely doesn't stop me from imagining that it is in fact the luscious, perfect Miss Valentine, and thusly jerking like the bombs are falling and I've got seconds to live.

This is pathetic, people. I've been scouring for the past three-quarters of a year for pics of Faye's tits, and all I've found are these four measly, pathetic pics. Shit, folks, that one to the left actually HURTS me. Why, you heartless God above us, did you inflict this pain upon me? For allowing some dork with a warezd copy of Photoshop, a crappy, halfway broken Genius EZ-Pen and a whole lotta no talent to scribble this allegedly sexy image and then HAVE HIS WEBSERVER VOMIT IT ONTO MY HARD DISK will earn His Holiness Above one punch in the face, courtesy of my Righteous Fists Of Graft.

What really gets me about the lack of Faye porn on the internet is that she is scientifically designed to be the hottiest anime girl in existence. It doesn't take much of a stretch of the imagination to envision a team of international scientists, decked out in their white labcoats, each holding multiple PhDs in SEXXXY, slaving for months on end, no sleep (ed note: and constantly boning one another like a latter-years Heinlein book, Jesus, did you read “Number of the Beast?”), to devise the hottest, most perfect fictional girl. These are members of the same consortium (if not the same individuals) that brought us Denise Richards and Laetitia Casta, two obvious simulacrums, as real women are not that hot - This explains why they won't show us their genitals and appear to have dental work. If one of them runs toward you screaming “I'M OUTTA AMMO!”, “I LOVE YOU MAN!”, or “FROGBLAST THE VENTCORE!” I suggest running, fast. You see, the thing about real women is that they all have floppy, gross pancake tits and midriffs that go *blort* as they unbutton their jeans. The only shortcoming that these fake, probably android women have is that they exist in meatspace. It is possible, albeit highly improbable, that a disturbed, geeky fanboy (Triple Redundancy Theatre Presents: Triple Redundancy! Presented by Triple Redundancy Theatre) could, maaaaybe, cop a grope - or, GASP!, engage in relations sexual with said simulated human, even! The guys in the labcoats knew that this wouldn't do, so they set out to create the perfect woman. One that geeky fanboys and the general populace alike would lust after, but could never touch their fingertips to her flesh.

With this goal in mind, they compiled a list of perfect characteristics. Sexy, Adventurous, Tough, Sexy, Completely Amoral and, unlike her forebears, Completely Unavailable to Anybody. See, that's the lynchpin of the perfect woman. One could flip through the pages of Swank, knowing that they could, possibly, if they were stranded in an elevator alone with them, or on a deserted island if you will, have sex with any of the numerous skanks and crackwhores that perpetuate said pages. Something had to be done.

Something was done. These scientists, as evil as they are intelligent, devised one Faye Valentine. A tough, sexy, fiercely independent Untamable Shrew Woman, so hot that she can melt the paint off walls. A woman for whom any man could murder a billion innocents in order to take hold of those Breasts of Legend.

This is why I'm stumped. We've proven, time and again, that Faye Valentine is the hottest, most perfect anime chick yet devised. So I ask you: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SUCH A DROUGHT OF FAYE H-PICS?!? H-“artists” from all over the world should be cranking out Faye porn like they're going somewhere, and they don't exactly know why they're in a handbasket. To a place where the H-artists get their very own Circle. A place where yaoi draw-ers and lemon fanfic writers will spend eternity writhing in boiling pits of that sticky, translucent fluid that anime chicks secrete buckets of when even the slightest bit aroused. On the other hand, yaoi artists have got it easy, the sad sops that draw furries get treated to frozen pits of hermaphrodite ejaculate and can only subsist on dry, hard, excreted roughage, courtesy of the STUPID FUCKING FAT HORSE CHICKS THEY DRAW OH GOD I'M GOING TO START SHOOTING FURRY ARTISTS ON PRINCIPLE.

(okay, think about Faye, get your erection back, no no, not the horse cocks, no no dammit no! fuck, well, my dick is now fully retreated into my torso forever. Thanks a lot, furry fuck) I mean, who DOESN'T want to jerk to Faye's perfect body? I can't think of a single person that wouldn't. Hell, I know MORMON CHICKS, who feel that coming, period is a sin. If said splrrt doesn't result in a baby, they're against it. And even THEY want to bust out the Tools of the Trade™ and proceed to tickle their clitorii. But I digress. The fact that I haven't been able to readily find Faye's tits has seriously put a damper on my spirits. How could I go on knowing that the next day would be nothing but disappointment and sadness, not even finding the most shoddy, terrible Paintbrushed-on Faye nipples?

That is, of course, until earlier today. For it was Ragu to the rescue. Blaring trumpets and patriotically waving the Maple Leaf, Ragu swooped out of the blue and deposited on my lap a wonderful little link. Within this link was a repository of Faye x Spike and Faye x Jet and Spike x Julia (sadly no Faye x Julia, but beggars can't be choosers...) pics. “CALLOO CALLAY! O FRABJOUS DAY!” I screamed to everybody and nobody all at once. Finally, my life's work is complete. I needn't suffer every day, knowing that I would never see the wonderful bewonderment that is the luscious Faye's breasts. And not only breasts, oh no, but her firm ass, wonderfully-formed labia and OH YES folks, even her clitoris. I am, for the first time in years, happy. Happy, and jerking. Jerking with a smile on my face. Oh how rare a day finds me in which I am not simply masturbating gloomily in my dark little room, but doing so with reckless abandon and glee. OH LOOK AT ME WORLD! I AM MASTURBATING AND HAPPY! This is an occasion that calls for some of the local bar's best, cheapest semi-imported lager. Not much could kill my high right now. Not even a furry cosplayer goth. Not nuclear war nor a page full of shoddy Lara Croft dickchick pics.

With that, I leave you, fellow Ecchi Attackers, somewhat happy, completely turgid and nearly validated. Is this the end of my quest? No, just the beginning. Since I have been granted a small, wonderful taste of Faye, I won't give up, nor shall I slow down. Filled with hope and optimism, our hero goes once more into the breach to seek out and hoard every last kilobyte of Faye porn on the internet.

This is my gift, this is my curse.