In closing, I've got something a little special. What does A Samus Aran X Link of Hyrule Adult Only Love Book do for you? If you're into diminutive, pointy-eared elves banging statuesque blondes in zero gravity, this might just be the Love Book you've been waiting for. Written by someone who confesses: “I do not Own Metroid or Legend of Zelda, though some times I wish I do.” To which I must reply: when? When exactly do you wish you owned Metroid and Zelda? Every time someone says to you “Oh, OneWingedAngel73187, I'd suck you sideways through my tracheotomy if you only owned Metroid and/or Legend Of Zelda”?

Let's be clear, this is one fucked up idea. It's not helped by lines like “Men's jaws dropped when they saw her nad dropped through the floor.” I'm not fucking surprised their jaws dropped! Years alone in space with only your impractically overbuilt shoulders for company will take their toll, it seems. Apparently Samus has, from somewhere, produced a single testicle which she dangles through a specially-built trapdoor to attract men. For some reason it doesn't seem to be working, Christ alone knows why. We know this because when she and Link get down to it, a whole three minutes after they first set eyes on each other in the bar, and grizzled bounty hunter Samus naturally finds herself acting like a sixteen year old virgin in response to dreamy Link's utilitarian patter, we're treated to the requisite “virgin barrier” entry in the big book of internet sex orthodoxies. A quick wince of discomfort, maybe a tear or two (one for the pain and one for the joy if you're a showy bastard), and straight back to the moist coalface - as close to an industrial accident in the wartime Soviet Union as you’re likely to get.

After some replicated coffee (it must be the future) our heroes manage to stop making sticky post-coital kissy-face just long enough to track down the malevolent Ganon; “wanted in seventy systems throughout the Galaxy”! A being so terrifying and evil that, when they find him mere seconds later they manage to down him with one punch. It's fucking pathetic. Even if he'd butchered my family I'd feel cheated at how much of a crying pussy he turned out to be. All crewmembers are advised to brace for future chapters soon!

Well, we’ve had fun. We’ve taken a whirlwind tour of another slice from that sociometric anomaly cake we like to call “fanfiction.” This was a story that began in the steamy, voodoo-haunted swamps of the Caribbean and ended up in the suffocating hell of Anytown, Japan by way of the timeless huge guts of space. There were times when we didn’t think we were going to make it, and then we made it. And in the dark of that eternal night we began to touch each other inappropriately.



Copyright ©2001-2006 Ecchi Attack! All Rights Reserved. Header image courtesy of Manna.

"Hentai is the Otaku's Gateway to Boundless Pleasure" ~ Ancient Proverb