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Bluesky

Andore Jr.

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What is love? To quote Haddaway, the esteemed philosopher-poet, “Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.” I suppose I should listen to him; Hentai is an abusive mistress. For every soft 'n squishy Shiwasu no Okina epic, we have Tatsuya Shithead, age 8, publishing his illegible in-class doodles; notes home from the teacher still present in the photocopy and everything.

It goes beyond that though. Hentai is not only the girlfriend who gives you spectacular sex once in a while, but the rest of the time barely into it because she's so doped up on various and sundry narcotics, hentai is also the significant other who constantly berates you, demolishing your self esteem, and calling the cops on you for being abusive after she herself throws the recliner out your front window. It's the most disgusting, spirit-breaking sort of love that I would leave in a second were it not for the fact that I'd have to move onto dispirited college girls dispassionately sucking schlong for coke money to replace it. Or perhaps develop a non-repulsive personality and actually meet girls, but that's hard. With a manga in my hand I jump into my wonderland.

So springs forth this little piece of psychological warfare straight from Japan. You may recall yours truly being very screamy about a certain nugget of turd, shat from the sphincter cum fandom of one of the finest animes ever, clinging to Japan's unkempt tangle of ass hair. It's still difficult to come to terms with the fact that the bastards in Japan's 39th Artistic Assault Division would rather pen comics about girls from lamesauce video barely-games that already include lousy softcore porn than perfecting the art of rendering Faye Valentine's assets, and even more difficult to believe that the ones that do have the will would rather stick it to the cast member who would probably wind up gnawing their member off. Nevertheless, I'm slowly beginning to come to terms with this fact; hentai is truly where logic and proportion fall softly dead.

Well, here's another sequential art suckerpunch to aid your digestion, and once again it stars our favorite computer hacker cum lunatic, Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth. I've gone through my reasons a million times before. First, she's incredibly underaged, but that hasn't stopped anyone before. Second, she's got all the sexy curves of your average thirteen year old boy. Again, I hear the chorus chiming “that's a problem?”, and after a near-miss over The King of Fighters' Bao dressed up in a schoolgirl outfit and being rectal-rootered, I'll admit this isn't the most sexually confusing thing they've ever done in the history of manga. Then there's the fact that there is nothing remotely sexual about Ed, and that it would be more believable to have her cutting up and cannibalizing her crewmates than having her accepting the huge penis into her butt. I'm pretty sure that much of the doujinshi out there is done by people with only the vaguest concept regarding the actual subject matter of the show. Thus, we keep coming to the same conclusion: In the court of reason, the collective concept of doujinshi would hanged by its twisted, crippled cock.

Understanding the mindset is one thing, however. The sickening feeling you get when you see something like this is another story. I suppose it's a good thing, too, it thankfully means that all the metaphorical motorcycle cavalcades of mutilation, rape, and all those other pillars of this medium haven't killed off my humanity yet despite some truly valiant attempts at it. I was never expecting to see anything truly shocking in the small but significant sub-genre of “doujinshi artists asking to get their faces caved in”, but it happened. And it happened in a professional, well produced, gorgeous sort of way.

Hey Otaku! Drop the Belldandy keychain! Scrap that twenty page forum post on the deep metaphorical and sociological implications of Slayers Turbo Hyper Fighting EX Plus Alpha! Put your shaking fist down and stop gnashing your teeth over Masamune Shirow including T&A in his deep treatises on whatever-the-fuck they're about because I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy looking at the tits! Ask Animenation's John to hold that thought because Ecchi Attack's Lago has some earth shattering breaking news! You see, folks, many of these artists don't have the same sort of reverence for the sacred institution of sexual intercourse as you assholes do. Now, I know, sex may seem like a magical, mythical concept to you, like the Boris Vallejo poster of the lady with big titties and a unicorn on your wall, and therefore a horribly sick and sacrilegious thing to bastardize with all the dicks and tentacles and jism and ugliness and blah blah blah and IT'S SO GODDAMN WRONG TO SHOW THAT CUTE GIRLS HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE AS ALL GIRLS IN ANIME ARE VIRGINS AND WAITING TO LOSE IT TO ME AND ALL THE DIRTY WHORES AT MY SCHOOL WILL BE SORRY THEY DIDN'T TALK TO ME. But here's the thing! Comic artists have the ability to draw sexy girls naked, prone, and otherwise, and they aren't afraid to use this ability! Oh horror & shameful masturbation! Write a friggin' letter to your congressman, kids, and tell him to lock up these monsters who enjoy drawing sexy things and then throw away the key.