Step Three: The Delivery

The Delivery Room
I know exactly what youíve been sticking around for and exactly what youíve been thinking. And, while for some odd reason most m-preg fics never do seem to get around to the actual delivery - because all the fun is in the fluffy-wuffy boy sex and cuddling and angst that will surely erupt when a queerized and out-of-character cast member has the miracle of life erupting from his rear like last nightís kebab fixins, the actual birthing stuff is OMG icky and placentas neither resemble nor smell like rose petals. Despite some of them just glossing it over, because most of the whackjobs writing this shit can't even take the line ANAL DELIVERY seriously, some of them do. Oh yes. Some of them most certainly do.

Dr. Kadowaki examined Laguna. “I feared as much,” she said, darkly.
“Doctor?” Kiros asked.
“If the womb were in a different location, I could do a c-section. But it's buried too deep. He'll have to deliver anally.

Yes. Thatís right. It goes out the way it came in: through a messy, painful, and goddamned ridiculous premise.

Final Thoughts: Why?

Cradling the baby to his chest, Squall still felt awkward whenever the small mouth would latch onto and suck at the teat for the precious liquid.

Why? Why pregnancy? You have already effectively snipped the balls off both characters like they were naughty poodles, shoved them into a room together still bleeding from the groin, and forced them to fuck each other at gunpoint while your retarded fangirl friends jump up and down, clap their hands, and shriek OMG SQUALL Ní LAGUNA SO KAWAII!! THIS GOT ME HAWT!! OMG YAOI PADDLES!! behind the two-way mirror, why in Godís name would you feel the need to emasculate them even more? Does the idea of an extremely male duder who might want to stick his penis in your no-no areas scare you that fucking much?

Letís make up our own hypothetical situation and see if we canít puzzle this one out: Wolfbane McCracken is a hot, virile bishounen, or at least as virile as bishounens can get without passing out and hitting their heads on the sideboard. Fanny Fangirl really really likes Wolfbane. As discussed in much better detail by much more amusing persons, Fanny gets all tingly and funny feeling in her groinal region when she thinks about Wolfbane, but sheís absolutely terrified of his huge, throbbing cock stabbing her repeatedly in the hymen. Turning him into a sobbing emofag that likes to get pounded in the ass by other feminine men helped a little, true, but heís just still so frighteningly ... male. Boys are scary. How can we make them less scary? How can we make them more girly when they are already wispy, pale, and craviní to ride the baloney pony all night long? How?

After the torrid night with the Moblin shemale, Link is faced with a terrible dilemma - should he keep the baby, or will he be checking in to the Hookshot Abortion clinic?
Her thought synapses grind and clatter like a poorly-maintained steam engine, or a grandfather clock with a whole mess of gay bats living inside its rusting gears. Perhaps these bats think they have the personalities of anime characters from another dimension, perhaps not. Whatever the case, eventually the thoughts coalesce inside Fannyís dinosaur brain and she makes a sudden connection, the Next Logical Step in changing the object of her desire from Tool-Packiní Testosterone Factory to Sobbing Orphan Boy In Need Of A Well-Hung Mentor. Why should Wolfbane merely have to act like a particularly docile woman? Why canít he have womanly bits as well? She knows how those work! They arenít scary at all! She runs to her keyboard and the journey begins.

In short: tragedy is me getting a paper cut. Comedy is Inuyasha with a bun in the oven. To take it a step further, Pregnancy Is Very Scary when youíre fourteen, but not quite as scary when Kefkaís water has just broken and General Leo is the daddy. This comes nowhere near explaining the mysteries and quirks and WHY WHY WHY FUCK WHYs of Mpreg; but, quite frankly, Iím not all that keen on staring too closely into the gaping abyss of Soraís Urethragina lest it stare back into me.

If you think this phenomenon is solely relegated to the magical world of crazy fucking anime/video game fangirls, let me reassure you that it most certainly isnít. There is Mpreg fiction for Batman. There is Mpreg fiction for the Dukes of Hazzard, although whether or not it involves Boss Hog having a litter of piglets is undecided. There are tales of Duncan McLeod finding out that, far from there being only one, there may be triplets! Let me lay it on the line for you here: there is fucking Tremors mpreg out there and if you ask me what giant worms burrowing under Arizona have to do with men fucking each other up the ass and subsequently passing children through their urethras, (Dr. Freud? I didn't hear you come in!) Iíll probably just gibber and spasm like an electroshocked monkey. If youíve ever wondered what it would be like to see Kevin Bacon with that special glow, well, the internet can set you up at the click of a button.

Entire communities - nay, fanclubs - comprised of 13-to-45 year old women writing about men getting pregnant. Think about that as you lie in bed trying to get to sleep tonight, tossing and turning, vaguely uneasy, but unable to quite pinpoint why. I have (sometimes I wake up screaming and nothing short of a pillow shoved in my mouth can muffle the ear-shattering cries), and I believe Iíve come up with a solution that will leave everyone happy.

Attention Fangirls: I know youíre all out there, and if youíre still reading this far into the article and not busily writing up an absolutely scathing and furious rebuttal post for your LJ Community, MPreg_Loverz_United, I commend you. Because of your overwhelming patience, I will reveal to you, and you alone, something that may very well blow your fucking minds. If Iím correct, what you want is a caring, nurturing, wispy slip of a man, fully capable of bearing children, and yet sporting a throbbing, spurting, man-ass violating dick of tremendous size. Well! Guess what? Iíve found your Ideal!:
No need to thank me, sisters, being one with you in womanhood is quite enough for me.

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