Miss Totipotentiality

February 4, 2010
Author: Fried Octopus
The incredible search for pornography based on characters composed entirely of shapes not naturally occuring in nature. A bit like masturbating to abstract art or perhaps furniture, I suppose.

“How can I describe my emotions at this catastrophe, or how delineate the wretch whom with such such infinite pains and care I had endeavoured to form? [Her] limbs were in proportion, and I had selected [her] features as beautiful. Great God!”
“If Resident Evil 4 is released on Playstation 2, I will do a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock,” were the final words uttered by Shinji Mikami, a man who stood back to back with the finest luminaries of video gaming enough times to have his own series of 80’s action theatre productions (in which Inafune repeatedly exclaims he is too old for this shit), moments before his tragic self-decapitation with a reverse-blade katana. A man with the magic touch, however, Mikami’s Head later went on to have a prolific racing career, in a surprise twist that brought tears of joy to the collective eyes of the nation.

The Dead Phoenix would return sooner than expected, however, called by fate and one Atsushi Inaba, a man whose only claim to fame was the delightful honour of working at Irem, SNK and Capcom and still failing to do anything anyone gave a shit about. Despite being respectively a human fucking wasteland and cuckolded by Leon Kennedy, the sparkle in the eyes of these two young gays would nevertheless one day lead to not only the conception of gaming as an art form, but its rocketing rise to become the very zenith of culture itself.

After August 1, 2006, no narrative structures would be unsuperseded and no linguistic idiom would be inlapidated. Gamers no longer held joysticks, but a red-hot kick of artistic energy that permeated every aspect of human expression. This party was getting crazy.

“I had worked hard for nearly two years, for the sole purpose of infusing life into an inanimate body. For this I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart”
Enter Hideki Kamiya. A man whose role in history sees him shoulder to shoulder with Hendrix, Freud and Sanders, he needs no introduction. With chiselled muscles, he would break down conventions and barriers that have stood for too long, but while his contemporaries carved le monde actuel with guitars, couches and fried chicken, Kamiya’s bat-and-electricity-covered method of fantastical actualization was something much closer to the sordid desires of the young, teenage male: a monstrously disfigured pigbeast named Bayonetta.

Trailing on the heels of “I don’t help people. I kill them.” Bayonetta was the star attraction of 2010, a woman with pizzazz, vigour and legs large enough to potentially each be hiding another full-grown woman under her pants. The game’s release prompted one of the greatest quests for jerkable hentai since the glory days of the Bebop’s Miss Valentine, with the additional caveat that this character was not even attractive in the original source material.

Needless to say, the issue was raised at my Gentleman’s Club and matters snowballed from casual boasting to a series of moments where not inconsiderable amounts of Pound Sterling were wagered, leading to my journey deep into the Land of the Jap. A year spent among the seemingly-endless catacombs of the Japanese Filth Peddling Market transformed me in ways I could not articulate. Where left a humble Seed, there returned a Clover. Clutched in trembling hands were a handful of parchments, each detailing Carnal Acts Most Witchly. Quickly, they were sold to finance another month of the barman’s finest Internet, at which point I hastily downloaded Bayonetta fap-fodder as fast as my Free User permissions would permit. Fuck you, rapidshit ;_;

“[She] approached; [her] countenance bespoke bitter anguish, combined with disdain and malignity, while its unearthly ugliness rendered it almost too horrible for human eyes.”
Bayonetta VS Dante

We find ourselves starting on a strong note, or as a certain gentleman liked to say, “Jackpot.” This speaks for itself as one of humanity’s crowning achievements and a perfectly appropriate lead-in to completely unbelievable Dante on Bayonetta sex-scene.

I swear to God, not a single condom is applied by flicking it across a room onto an erect penis, fellatio is not performed mid hand-plant and neither of them destroy the bed for Orbs afterwards. Move over, Japan, and let me write this shit. The only thing I can really say they got right is that Dante can’t take the pressure and leaves before they can finish, which comes as no surprise to someone who’s actually played the games. It also prompts Bayonetta to utter something even more improbable than “Flock off, featherface.”

Sure you are, Bayonetta. Sure you are.

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