A Certain Witch’s Sex Life

“Oh! No mortal could support the horror of that countenance. A mummy again endued with animation could not be so hideous as that wretch. I had gazed on [her] while unfinished; [she] was ugly then, but when those muscles and joints were rendered capable of motion, it became a thing such as even Dante could not have conceived.”
Probably the only featurette of the lot that comes close to getting it right, we get to see a bit of routine weapon maintenance at Rodin’s shop have SEXXXY implications. Also, I’m mildly distressed that Microsoft Word accepts SEXXY without a qualm, yet is trying to tell me that “featurette” is not a word.  Down, you boorish tool of the proletariat, we are working with literary magic here!

As it turns out, the “weapon” in question requiring maintenance is none other than the drooling snatch of a feisty Witcho and she needs a 5,000,000 Halo solution: big, black cock provided by the voice actor of Zack. Sadly, the one other than Dennis Rodman. We jet-set straight to the action with nothing more than a “HMPH,” from our studly protagonist, leading into some QUALITY AXXXION.

The piece ties off with a classic moment for Chekov’s gun storytelling, as witnessed among the wiles of Chapters 07 and the follow-up in Chapter 13, in the first of which we see that Rodin has been storing up “energy.” What we are at first encouraged to consider but a simple throwaway gag, a one-dimensional humourous ploy of the naughtiness of a greedy cockwhore, comes SCREAMING back in the final moments of the Act, when Rodin’s “energy”, previously thought to be thick, nutritious black men semen is as magical as the imagination of the author, allowing him to ensnare Bayonetta in a Torture Attack trap! Such writing I have not witnessed since the works of J.D. Salinger, god rest his soul, and I would be eminently pleased to see “A Certain Witch’s Sex Life” on my shelf, among the classics where it belongs.


If a witch makes her hair into a gigantic dick and decides to cover herself in cum, will she run out of hair before she is done covering her hair in hair-jizz?. Just as this critical question is about to be addressed, the artist decides he’d much rather draw Bayonetta’s beautiful, sophisticated fellatio. GET at that cock, baby!

This dojin is also otherwise totally boring.

Reoparu Hon 15 (BAYONETTA)

This dojin takes a different tact, figuring if ONE Bayonetta isn't spreading her giganto-legs enough, why not try two? Then it ups the ante by making the target of Bayobaby's affections none other than that loveable dogfucker Luka. Despite a promising start, any full-mast the reader establishes for a maiden voyage will rapidly steer the penile vessel into rocks when this turns up at the end of the dojin.

Expect me to randomly post that picture in articles for the next few years, just to keep you on your toes.

Witch Time

Initial investigations overlooked this dojin for its lukewarm presentation, poor performances by the key players and garish use of textbook floating penises around the model reclining au natural but it is notable both for its delightful title and this page in which the question, “Can Magical Witch Glasses withstand the volatile jet-steams of a Japanese man’s ejaculate?” is decisively concluded once and for all.

Otherwise, unremarkable twoddle. MOVING ON.

Educational Guidance

“Abhorred monster! Fiend that thou art! The tortures of hell are..” Ah, never mind, wrong freakishly proportioned she-homunculus
As they say, save the best for last. “Educational Guidance” is a mishmash of broken engrish, awful artwork and old-fashioned family values that recasts Miss Bayonetta in the role of a high school PE teacher (possibly) who doles out sensible morals and teen justice with alacrity of a dozen Mr Coopers!

We open with the establishing of the conflict, speed being of the essence in the limited dojin format.

Mystery is afoot! But the evidence is plain as day and disciplinary action is rushed to. Seeing that the only solution for a hopeless kid is to come every day to lick my pussy,  Bayonetta and her wayward charge embark on an adventure of love, life and stinking juice, in which noses will be bent from smelling it from here, shameful smegma and we learn a little bit about cowardly sperm, too (it cannot make you pregnant).

Ladies and gentlemen, today we came looking to prove something: Myself and my literary fellows embarked on a quest to see if anyone, anywhere could make a woman with enough leg for three women even remotely attractive, but we learned a lesson that will not easily be forgotten: true beauty isn’t about having your hips directly connected to your neck, it’s about excessive sexual desire being directly linked to criminal activity and how a woman, any woman regardless of freakish height or perpetual, never-ending monsoons of smugness so thick you just want to belt her face in, can take on the lofty mantle of PE teacher and eat the shameful, smelly smegma of injustice.

With a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat, I once again whisper the words, “God Bless Japan.”