From left: oral sex, Edgar Allan Poe.
“When I awoke, I was lying on a freshly-made bed in a well-lit and elegantly decorated room, the walls of which were adorned with expensive artwork. I was surprised to discover that all my clothing had been removed, and a gorgeous middle-aged woman, who was also nude, was kneeling on the bed in front of me and...well, how shall I put this...”

This was just unbelievable. Surely he understood that he was being interviewed for Ecchi Attack, which is, by association, the most vile and disgusting website on the planet, and yet he was trying to think of a cute little euphemism for a sex act which is now considered in hentai circles to be old-fashioned and passé. Apparently, the woman in question, later revealed to be the “mistress” of the mansion, began licking his erect penis with what Shinichi referred to as a “frighteningly exact technique, and irritatingly gentle movement”, before mounting his erection and riding it like some sort of humourously-shaped miniature horse, thus bringing to an end the most immoral and peculiar method of resuscitation since Henry Heimlich's highly controversial first draft of his now-famous manoeuvre.

“After it was all over, she said something really profound and meaningful to me, and I still remember what it was that she said: Reality is a momentary dream, but a dream is reality for an eternity.” Online research shows that this quote is most often attributed to an unknown or anonymous author, and has gained popularity as some sort of pseudointellectual catchphrase in online fantasy and sorcery clubs, whose members presumably have no idea that the quote was originally nothing more than a piece of awkward post-coital conversation. “I left the bedroom, and explored the mansion which was to become my home for the next several months. It was during this exploration that I met Miwako.”


Note the significant decrease in Miwako's psychological torment as a result of Shinichi's sexual therapy. Also, note Shinichi's complete lack of eyes and nipples.
As all Nocturnal Illusion aficionados know, Miwako is the timid and apologetic maid of the mansion who, unsurprisingly, has her own sordid sidequest featuring an enormous, sadistic Master, who owns a diverse collection of large, complex and rather unpleasant sex toys, including the Pointy Prism, the Tubes In Every Orifice, the Assorted Hypodermic Needles, and the Prostate Masseur (deemed too graphically offensive to appear in the final version of the game). Despite causing large amounts of physical and psychological damage to Miwako, the Master, along with his Basement of Torture and Anguish, was nothing more than a figment of Miwako's imagination, and could only be purged through extensive counselling. Unlike their real-life counterparts, H-game counselling textbooks are very brief and very simple, since the solution to any H-game character's psychological problem (or any problem at all, for that matter) is, of course, sex.

“Ever since I went public with my story, many people have criticised my actions, saying that I was just taking advantage of a weak and defenseless young woman. But I didn't see her as an easily exploitable sex object - I saw her as someone who desperately needed help, and I was willing to do anything I could do to help her. I guess I was just fortunate that helping her involved repeatedly pumping her full of my sticky, white and curiously abundant man-juices until she was cured.”

Satisfied with his good deed, though apparently not even the slightest bit exhausted (during the interview, he made countless references to his remarkable stamina), Shinichi decided to leave the mansion and return home to brag about his sexual escapades. Unfortunately, he soon realised that there was a large gate standing between him and freedom, that appeared to be completely impossible to open - well, not completely impossible, as the mistress explained to him that the gate would open “when the time was right.” A spokesman for Excellents told me that this gate, the thick bushes nearby, and Shinichi's increasing exasperation at its failure to open, were merely part of an accurate retelling of Shinichi's story, and not an extended metaphor for sexual frustration, although when the lifestyle of your average h-game developer is taken into consideration, the rumour doesn't seem particularly far-fetched.

“Despite what the mistress had told me, I attempted to open the gate again later that day, but it was no use - the gate had no handle, no lock, and there appeared to be no means of opening it electronically either. I began to panic, but a short while later I temporarily forgot about my predicament, for it was then that I met...”

Shinichi's tale was interrupted by the ringing of his mobile phone. I recognised the ringtone immediately - it was “Illusory Nocturne”, the opening theme to Nocturnal Illusion which served as a foreshadowing of the pretentiousness that would soon follow.

“What? They found it? That's great! Where is it? I'll be there soon.”

He switched off his mobile, got up from his seat, and motioned for me to do the same. “Come on,” he said, “we're going to the mansion.”

To be continued...



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