I think it's pretty obvious that I am not.
Oekaki... This word sends terrible shudders of revulsion and mild annoyance all the way down my spine. If you're one of the three people that doesn't already know, Oekaki is that stupid fucking “art form” in which untalented kids, trained on the killing fields of MS Paint, draw terrible little images on webpages. IN REAL TIME! Well, how about that now? Finally, untalented little Japanese girls can show the world just what it's like being japanese and only having a bushel of four-inch dicks orbiting your face to pretend to choke on. They can let their emotions go and just start drawing as fast and as hard as their l'il mouse hand will allow them. Always wanted to choke on a poorly-rendered ten-incher? Why wait for an American businessman or a drunken college student to pick your number at random out of the back pages of a Ural Beauties mail-order catalog, when you can scribble out your succulent little lips around a long, tan shaft. Always wanted to lose yourself in fantasies of sucking on Sephiroth's nipples, but can't express your RAW VIRGINAL EMOTION in your writing? Oekaki is the medium for you! Who cares if you're a terrible artist; oekaki is rendered so lo-rez so that you can't tell a Picasso from poor l'il cerebral palsy-riddled Jimmy Wilson from down the road.
Then I suppose your Parkinson's-infilicted creator shouldn't have drawn you with my dick cracking your sexy little MSPaint gash, huh?
Can you just FEEL THAT RISING IN YOUR CRUTCH! That's real power, baby, the power of oekaki. Not many can handle the oekaki, for it makes women out of little girls with their sexy little pleated tartan-print skirts, and gibbering little girls out of hard-bitten pornography journalists. We see things on a daily basis that would make a combat photographer grow pallid and loose the contents of his stomach onto convieniant floorspace. H-Oekaki is one of those things.
I can feel something rising, it just isn't my crutch...
Today, I was surfing the Picture Shrines, a place that that I know better than to poke my cock into. In case you've had your head under a fucking rock for the past few years, the Picture Shrines is an gruelingly slow repository of shoddy h-pics of your favorite anime chicks in various states of undress - with the notable exception of Faye, but, as you already know, that's an entirely different story - with nipples C/O MS Paint. Ever think you could live your life happily without seeing Claire being gang-raped by zombies in assorted states of decomposition? Maybe you can, but the Picture Shrines is going to show it to you anyway! Remember when you got ripping drunk and pulled your plank to Nuku Nuku until it became raw and painful to touch? Yeah, those paintbrushed-on nipples are proudly residing in The Shrines.
Back in High School, there was this one guy that got loaded on speed and whisky then fucked his cat. We still mock him to this very day.
I smelled you when you came in, Clarice.
Naturally, the fan submissions are STRICTLY oekaki. I'm fairly sure that this has something to do with an unnamed Ecchi Attack writer attempting to bring the Picture Shrines to its knees by submitting tens of thousands of badly doctored Pokemon sex pics. Now, if anyone wants to submit a picture of Felicia to be enshrined until the end of time - or at least until the Grape iMac that the site is hosted on melts - he must actually draw the thing in the teeny-tiny workspace, then click the “submit” button, hoping against hope that the submission actually somehow gets through that smeg-clogged urethra of bandwidth the Picture Shrines is working with.
Waaaaitaminit, now you're trying to trick me, I can JERK to this. No fair dude, you're totally fucking with my head here.
Unfortunately, like all warehouses of shoddy pornography, one or two images get through that are actually somehow jerkable. In fact, I actually found one worthy of keeping in regular rotation in the hallowed halls of my current jerkfolder. Kudos to whomever spent ten hours meticulously crafting Felicia's vulva for me to gaze at through a 500% magnified ACDSee window and longlingly stroke my crumpled little Italian dick while imagining my face buried between a videogame character's legs.
*jerkjerkjerkjerkjerkSPURRRRRT!* Oh yeah honey, take it, right there, in your tight little oekakied cock-canyon.
I haven't jerked furiously to a videogame character since Mario 2, baby. Toadstool still makes me stiff as a board. Too bad The Big Red N fucked that up by giving her the most irritating voice since that twelve-year-old Canadian girl who's been doing Mega Man's voice. And then the bastards fucked up Super Mario Advance by making her scream HI YAAA! every fucking time she jumps! THANK YOU VERY MUCH NINTENDO FOR RUINING THE PLAY EXPERIENCE FOR THOSE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN PLAYING THAT GAME SINCE WE WERE EIGHT, YOU GODDAMN DICKNOSES.
Sigh
Whooo, this is probably the LAST time I get ripping drunk on Captain Morgan and cruise an oekaki board....
