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Andore Jr.

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For the three of you who don't know, Ranma ½ is an anime about a guy, Ranma Saotome, who is cursed to turn into a girl whenever he touches cold water. He's engaged to a tomboyish martial artist, Akane, against his will and they both hate each other but actually love each other which leads to the obligatory HIJINX, and there's about seven hundred million other characters, all of which with similar curses to Ranma, and all of which are madly in love with either Ranma or Akane. It's an infuriating clusterfuck that persists well past its welcome, but hell, it's pretty fun for a while.

For an giant anime dork like myself to have held off on watching Ranma ½ for so long puts my claims of bein' STR8 OFF THA STREETZ OF MUTHAFUCKIN' AKIHABARA to task, but, I finally saw an extraordinarily large quantity of it a few weeks ago. As it naturally follows, I decided to see what kind of smut I could dig up on this show, as per my tradition. I mean, a tradition obviously excluding something like Gundam Wing, I WOULD NOT SEEK OUT HENTAI OF SCANTILY CLAD BOYS NUH UH NEVER OH GOD THE DICKS. Considering that Ranma hentai was like the very first stuff I ever saw back when I was an impressionable boy of thirteen and the stuff was basically burned into the back of my retinas all A Clockwork Orange style, so I held off for a little while. But tonight, I finally performed the sacred ritual.

]I guess it wouldn't make a very good article if all I ran into was hot, sexy “all boy turning into girl then turning back when some asshole flushed the toilet when she was in the shower” action, so I suppose you can imagine it didn't go as well as I could have hoped. I'd call it a thoroughly unenjoyable experience. Basically, there was an hour spent jerking off; an hour I could have spent doing something more productive than beating off, like, say, punching myself in the goddamned mouth for a full hour. Now, you may be amazed at my sexual prowess, but this was actually a special case of attempting to maintain an erection while engaged in a vain search for something stimulate my dick into something harder than wet kleenex. At about a half hour in, I imagine that I could have easily finished myself off with some of the wealth of monumentally higher-quality Ranma ½ hermaphroditic hentai...

Hold on a sec, you ask. Ever since I mentioned that Ranma can turn into a girl, you've been waiting expectantly for the dickgirl jokes. to start raining in. No such luck, mes amis. You see, if you can get past the towering spurting dicks of hermaphroditic hentai, it's generally fairly well produced. Good shading, proper perspective, big veiny dicks. But I just had to have goddamned standards. Christ, if I wasn't looking for dicks, why am I even hunting down porno for this endless trainwreck of a transsexual fantasy?

So, what could be so bad that not even a certified sexual deviant sockfucker like myself can't get off to it?

FAKES.

Celebrity fakes have been the main draw for porn sites for years; until Britney's breasts start migrating to her back and the public grows disaffected by her nasal caterwailing, and before she desperately tries any means of reclaiming that fading public interest, fakes are the only way that anyone is able to see their favorite pure and virginal songstress in the buff. The process is simple: You take the head of the subject and paste it on another less modest person's body. Throw on a bucket of virtual vaseline to cover the horrible chop marks and shadows going in every which direction and you have a fairly believable nude.

But we're talking hentai. One would assume that drawn porn would be easier to fake; a skilled cartoonist could quite simply blend an ecchilicious anime babe into a pre-existing piece of hentai. Then you realize that if they were that skilled, they'd just draw it themselves. The only people we have left putting heads on other characters' bodies are the people who make you wish there was some kind of written exam you had to take before using so much as Windows Paint. You know, pictures like the one to your right. Good job! Akane looks like she's been giving head to subway cars. And nice airbrushing on that large clump of... well, something, by the side of her mouth. Hair doesn't naturally fall in that position, so I'm thinking it's not hair. Alien symbiote? Maybe, alien infestation might explain how she's contorting her mouth, apparently inviting some Zentraedi dick. By the way, that was an anime joke. LAUGH GODDAMMIT I'M TEARING MY SOUL OUT FOR YOU HERE.

Although Ranma ½ is devoid of anything even remotely tentacled, someone decided that Akane had been deprived and decided to give Akane a good old fashioned tentacle raping. The totally different skintones? Jesus dude, uh, she's got viti.. vitly... Vitiligo! You know, that thing Michael Jackson has! Way to be a fucking ASSHOLE about it. Geez, she's already getting raped and now you're commenting about her very sensitive skin condition here. Get the fuck out of here. I... I don't even want to see you anymore.

Wouldn't you think that Akane would be either a little more distressed or a little more aroused, depending on her outlook towards non-mammalian intercourse? All she's doing is looking woefully at you with sad puppy dog eyes. “I want to go home. I'm not really enjoying this very much. I mean, I'll still keep this phallic appendage in my mouth while I make sad faces at you, but I'm not actually too happy about it.” That's just tentacle apathy. I guess I can see it if this is like an every-other-day kind of thing, but I'm not seeing it. La Blue Girl, maybe, but not the female lead in the only anime in existance that doesn't even feature one non-human phallus in the whole show.

I take back my comments about keeping these jerks away from Windows Paint. Here is an example of why we shouldn't even allow them within fifty feet of a computer and resign them to trying to draw square boobies on an Etch-A-Sketch. You give someone a paint program, and you'll have someone who thinks that he can get me to masturbate. Kid, it ain't gonna happen. While my masturbatory standards are ridiculously low, I can restrain myself from repetitive hand motions while looking at your palsy-assed MS Paint rendition of Nabiki Tendo's mammaries.

Look at her right breast, you could poke a goddamn eye out on that thing. Has our favorite mammon-loving sexy mama taken to wearing those Madonna cone bras all the time? They're not very good for support, babel And those nipples need comment too, yet words can't really do justice to their incompetance. Instead of doing the highlights in a lighter shade of brown as most people with a shred of artistic understanding would do, our would-be pornsmith does the highlights in skin color, so we've basically got some birth defects all up in here. Why not just add a third or fourth one to complete the effect, huh? The fact that Ranma-chan doesn't have any visible signs of a penis never stopped the hermiefans from drawing that big fat old dong on her, why not do the same for Nabiki? Oh wait, I forgot, not only are we dealing with the critically untalented, we're also dealing with the mentally retarded and clinically uncreative.

And as I sit here, limp dick in hand, I think “Ranma, Ranma. Why can't you make me wild like you?” And I weep, quietly.