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Bluesky

Andore Jr.

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I think a lot of the time it goes without saying that, like regular porn, hentai and doujinshi don't really need plots. If you just have to see Squall and Seifer fucking each other with swords while Zell uses his Limit Break on Selphie’s rectum, do you really need background? Is any even possible? If you want a plot, fine, I’m sure you won’t have too much of a hard time finding some lemon fanfiction, but the only bad part of that is no pictures. If there are pictures, they’re usually hand drawn by devoted fans, and I think you know what that means.

We’ve pointed out that fact before on Ecchi Attack, but people need to know so they can avoid the pain that we put ourselves through in order to satisfy you, our beautiful audience. So many people have been permanently blinded from the shock of viewing yaoi, or Lion King porn, as our friend Tome pointed out, that it's surprising that there aren’t more blind people stumbling around bumping into things, swinging their canes about and generally being a menace. Not that I’m making fun of blind people. In fact, blind people's other senses are usually super-developed to make up for this. And they also have an insatiable appetite for porn. I know that because my uncle is blind.

Well, not really, but he does wear glasses.

Anyway, the tangent that I’m on obviously involves plots. Plots. Plotting. Plotted. All things plottery. I started thinking in-depth about plots the other day while beating off... reading an issue of my favourite hentai jerk-mag “Spunky Knight.” I love this series. It’s got everything a good read needs:

• A girl
  
• A girl with massive, gravity-defying breasts.
  
• A girl who can feasibly fit the Eiffel Tower into any given hole.
  
• Approximately fifteen litres of sperm (or any white liquid)
  
• An entity with one, two, three, or anywhere up to twenty penis extensions. Preferably large.
  
• Nipples that look like small penises.
  
• Nipples that ejaculate.
  
• A girl with massive, gravity-defying breasts.
  
• Another fifteen litres of sperm.

Now, if you have all of the above, and roughly 30 square feet of plastic sheeting, we can begin. The Spunky Knight series revolves around a massively endowed adventuress named Phaia. If you wanted a quick capsule review of this series, then I’ll say this: ldquo;LollolLO Phaia getz dickz and cum from tenticle man iz HOT HOTrdquo;, but I won’t because I personally feel this series deserves more respect than your average jazz mag. Why? Well, I don’t really know. Maybe because I’ve jerked off to... read this series more than any other.

Back to the point, Phaia is our hero, and in the course of her adventures (i.e Issue 1), she runs afoul of a DARK MAGE, who casts a magic spell that makes her 10 TIMES HORNIER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER MAN LOLOLUAHG. Of course, she takes this in stride, and continues to have adventures; searching every nook and cranny for the tiniest hint of dick. This brings us to my favourite issue.

Phaia is walking through the woods when she finds a weapons store. That happens all the time, doesn’t it? That’s like finding the weapons shop in an RPG. You know when you’re playing Final Fantasy or Dragon Warrior, and you’re out in the middle of absolutely nowhere, heading off to fight the fearsome, four-winged, fire-breathing dragon, and lo, there’s a weapons shop just before the cave! Well, that was lucky! What a completely plausible place to put a store! Maybe the shopkeeper and the dragon have worked out a payment system or something.

ldquo;Hi. Are you four heading in to fight the dragon? Well, make sure you stock up on these ridiculously overpriced Elixirs and Hi-Potions! What’s that? Why doesn’t the dragon eat me even though I have a stall set up just outside his cave? Well... see... the dragon is interested in rolling all of his assets into a mutual equity assurance account and taking his chances with real estate and industrial mining purchases rather than letting it float on the stock market, so he needs a minimum “buy in” amount. That’s where I come in. I’m the dragon’s accountant.rdquo;

Maybe it’s just me who thinks about these things. Who knows? Anyway, back inside the weapons shop, our lovely lass spots a FINE SWORD OF DAMASCUS STEEL. Do you know how fucking good these swords are? Do you?? No, I didn’t think so.

So, Phaia really wants to buy this sword, but she doesn’t have much money left since she bought the fancy armour with proper support for her breasts. That’s when the shopkeeper tells Phaia that she can give her the sword for half-price if she... does something for her. I WONDER WHAT THE REQUEST WILL BE.

This is where the real plot twist comes into play, because “SURPRISE!!” Yes, I’m sure we’d all be surprised when the hot chick behind the weapon store counter takes her clothes off to reveal not one, but TWO dicks! This is the kind of stuff that guys like me dream about. Not about the dicks, I mean, more about that it would be really funny to see... um... someone with two dicks. Ha ha. Really, I'm not gay. Sometimes I just sleep with men who are. Anyway, look out! Because the action is ready to get hot, steamy and sticky! I’m sure you know what comes next. A bit of horizontal folk dancing! A bit of the old one-two! A bit of heave-ho! Some bumping uglies! Are there any more sexual euphemisms I missed? And when I say sticky, I mean, that's where the fifteen litres of sperm comes into it. How the fuck do these people clean up? Their walls must be covered in baby paste, and walking from one side of the room to the other must be like wading through custard.

Phaia isn’t sure if she can fit one of these massive dicks, but maybe if the shopkeeper “pushes really hard” they might just pull it off! Of course that’s how it works. When you self-lubricate at the drop of a hat, you can fit just about anything! So they get the fellatio out of the way, then it's on for young and old. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t say that word enough to get it across to you exactly how hard these people are going at it. THEY’RE LIKE RABBITS, PEOPLE!

But here’s the real genius, my friends.

Ask yourself a question, the one lingering at the back of your mind.

Where’s that other dick going to go?

HUH?

That’s right. IN HER ASS. Here’s a girl who can fit the equivalent of a baby’s head into her rectum. That’s fucking panache. I mean two dicks, that’s just plain cool. I downloaded a video once, and it was of some guy who supposedly had two cocks, and he was being ministered to by some sexy chick, but I don’t think one of the penises was real, I mean it just didn’t look real but then I started thinking how cool it would be if I had two dicks, ‘cos then I could impress all the guys, and they’d take me shopping and then wine and dine me and take me home to their penthouses and fuck me all night long, and then afterwards we’d talk about marriage, and...

(cough)

IN HER ASS! So the action continues, and the white goo keeps flying round like cheap primary school paste. AHHHH!!! UUUGHHH!! SSKKRLLCH!! Love those sound effects! “I'M CUMMING!!!!” Yes, and so are your nipples, but it all adds to the effect, coming together in a sexual fucking RODEO of sperm, juice, sperm, nipples, sperm and two dicks.

After reading this hardcore 2 DICK ACTION, usually it’s only a couple of minutes before I’m ready to pop my cookies, because this comic just gets me so incredibly ERECT. So, my hand follows its natural course to the obvious conclusion, and then... I’m a happy man. Well, as long as I didn’t make a complete mess. Or have my housemate walk in. And since I’m relaxed, I can pretend that I’m not the confused, horny, depraved individual that I am. That, folks, is why I LOVE this series. You should get your groove thang out there, pal, and hunt yourself down a hard copy of this series, (if only because jacking off sitting at a computer is incredibly disturbing, not that I’ve ever really done it, but I’ve seen my friends do it, and I was NOT spying on them), and RELAX.