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Bluesky

Andore Jr.

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I apologise in advance for this one. You’ll understand soon enough, given that today’s subject is about as capable in its own defence as a wheelchair-bound midget in a funhouse. If by the time you’ve finished reading this you’re thinking “Jesus, VM, I could have said that... I would have sauced it up with some nudie scenes and a couple of car chases too!” then you’re probably justified. Truth is it was either this exercise in redundancy or more nothing. But, for those of you really worth your 100 point badges, there is the opportunity to sup gently on the flaccid irony of attempting to ridicule a spectacularly unnecessary and overwrought subject through a further gratuitous over-application of effort. SEXY!

To read Ecchi Attack is to grasp things by the root. It says so on the t-shirts. What is it then to read “The Shoujo-Ai archive?” (Protip: “Shoujo-Ai” is Japanese for “piss poor”) Is it to be bewildered by shitty graphics? Is it to learn that you could comfortably accommodate a more encyclopaedic “archive” around the circumference of a urinal lozenge? Is it to fully believe that “many heterosexual males” enjoy looking at pictures of hungry young cat-eared cartoon schoolgirls shoulder-deep between each other’s legs because it redefines traditional gender roles?

Or... is it to experience the white-hot innovation of their Captioned Pictures Forum? Once you’ve seen the impossible strides the shoujo-ai elite have made in the field of “nice girl-girl relationships” you will believe the masturbatory horizon is wide open again. The pictures of impossible doe-eyed creatures pawing and lapping at each other to which you and I are accustomed are co-ordinated and animated to an extraordinary pitch, but nothing to compare with this. Now it becomes apparent why so little else is forthcoming from the archive; this foremost vanguard of male heterosexuality, galvanised by “the amount of yaoi/shounen-ai content out there”, has entirely spent itself on the equivalent of bedecking immense weapons of destruction with go-faster stripes and incredibly fey “PEOPLE = SHIT” decals. Seeing as the gist of shoujoai.com’s mission statement is that every right-thinking penis in existence is under threat from serried legions of thirteen-year old girls who, significantly, won’t slowly and photogenically fuck their best friends at the drop of a hat, but who will sweat blood to see that bunny-Vincent becomes the touchstone of human sexuality, you’d imagine they could come up with a more absolute defence against having to suck Harry Potter’s cock for eternity than the plastic cup of lukewarm piss they’re banking on at the moment.

The Captioned Pictures Forum will probably amaze and delight if you enjoy either the Tautologies Explained For Teens Forum or the Grotesquely Fucking Inane Banter Message Board. Also if you’re one of the children who, in good faith, piles adjectives onto already unambiguous nouns to create wrecks like “horrific atrocity” or “awful, terrible murders” or indeed “gley lancer”. In short; people who have trouble getting the point without it slapping them forcefully around the mouth.

What this sticky nest of shoujo-ai fanatics has succeeded in doing is pouring literally minutes of their precious jerking time into supplementing endless pictures of girls with their own fantastically unnecessary and entirely crap “sexy” or “funny” captions. Every single one of which could be seamlessly replaced with the words “OOOOH! SEX!” much to the improvement of the general effect. You’ll never tire of flabby, self-satisfied, sweaty backroom clique humour faster than when every name finishes with a cutesy Japanese suffix, every sentence with a “^____^” variation, and every single fucking picture receives the same token half-dozen “HEE HEE!”/”^___^ VERY NICE!”/”SO KAWAII ^__~”/”::BLINKS:: O_O”/”XD FUNNY!”/”SWEATDROP!” replies. Apparently simply incorporating pictures of Asuka and Rei looking drugged or anything Card Captor Sakura-based means you don’t have to stretch yourself beyond recording the most banal and vapid statements which collect amid the scum at the edge of your shallow, dark little mind.
For those not laughing (you evil people) the reason it’s hilarious is, and I’m laughing just explaining this, they’re telling us what we already had to know to arrive at the most basic understanding of the picture in an awkward, unnatural fashion with the aid of barely titillating soft core pornography. Jesus Christ, it’s the “Heil, Honey I’m Home” for our generation. And I would go so far as to say that this picture makes you “laugh loudly” and go “heehee!” even though personally I don’t know whether to be more amused or more aroused by the humorous allusion to bank after bank of an illegal sexual act. Needless to say, Jacques Derrida would love these guys.

Enlightening and erotic, I think you’ll find. That’s the particular genius of them - the shoujoai.com yakuza. Now I’ll never be able to look at one tiny girl whispering to another without wondering if they’re secretly fucking each other with the bananas from their packed lunches between episodes of forcing whole bunches of grapes up each other’s rose-scented anuses, giggling “if our moms found out about this we’d only ever get tuna sandwiches at lunchtime ^_~ etc.etc.” The unabridged version of this exercise in mindlessness continues for some nine or so pages, the majority of which I’ll leave for you to discover, since any further explanation would cheapen us all.

However, I wouldn’t want you to think the Captioned Pictures Forum was all about reflexive, mechanical shit of the type which lost its appeal for most people at the age of three. It would be unfair for you to think shoujoai.com was a haven just for people who make a virtue of shouting “dark” and laughing (while masturbating in a venomous rictus of fury) when they notice a light source. It’s also heavily influenced by toddlers who throw toys from their crib so they can become aroused when their mother has to come along and bend over in her skimpy nightie to pick them up. Less psychologically telling, but no less true, is the fact they’re also quite adept at framing pictures like grandma: plenty of wall.

For those of you who just can’t sustain an erection to the intellectual and artistic equivalent of the mould which accumulates on cheese, the Shoujo-Ai Archive presents plenty of opportunity to stretch yourself in other ways. Try the apparently simple task of working out what the fuck is going on in half of the pictures, for starters. Or, why not read some erotic lesbian fanfiction? With over twelve stories to choose from, you’re sure to find something to print out, staple together into a crude newspaper, and read aloud in the airport lobby. And should even that prove dull then, nestled away amid all the Sailor Moon screen captures, I promise there’s always something to make death lose his sting.