Oh fuck you guys
But I digress. When you stop to think about it, Metal Slug really isn't THAT inconceivable. Metal Slug is a SEXY game. Smooth gameplay with gorgeous graphics, huge, phallic weapons, a wicked sense of humor, and death and destruction everywhere. It's like everything I've ever wanted out of a woman right ther. I wouldn't blame you for popping a big fat stiffy playing Metal Slug; in fact, I do quite regularly. While it's more of a “OH MY GOD ZOMBIES SHOOTING GIANT BLOOD-PUKE LASERS AND ROBOTS AND OH JESUS SPLURT SPLURT” kind of erection rather than a “UF UF MUST PRODUCE PROGENY WITH ATTRACTIVE MEMBER OF OPPOSITE SEX” erection, it's not a longshot to get the two mixed up, I'm sure. However, what about those series that lack that kind of slick sexiness and decent character designs?

I you should all know what I'm getting at: Dragon Warrior, otherwise known as Dragon Quest. I know what some of you are saying: “But Ragu! I enjoy sloshing through endless hours of banal trudgery just to kill some unremarkable big monster and find another unremarkable town and talk to some more unremarkable NPCs!” You know what, though? I don't care. You may say that it's the number one game series ever in Japan, but I think this page is a testament to the fact that the Japanese as a people haven't really been one-hundred percent since we dosed them with high quantities of radiation in the mid-forties. Dragon Quest is unsexy. It's like a virtual cold shower, with liquid nitrogen, shattering your poor dick like the T-1000. Not only are the graphics holdouts from the Atari age that didn't actually get better (Until the days of whiz-bang polygon graphics, where they were updated to holdouts from the NES age), the character designs are by the inimitable Akira Toriyama of everyone's favorite merchandising empire, “Gay Beefcake Constipation Journey Zero,” I think it was called. The guy wouldn't know sexy if he had a sexy meter which shot up to a million sexies and displayed that sexy was only using 10% of its true sexy. Oh, and they're not very fun, either.

However, since the Japanese populace seems to need a comedown from all that amphetamine they're taking, Dragon Quest is the most popular video game series ever over there. And while they don't seem to be as obsessed with watching the pixelly little protagonists pumping ass as they do with watching Card Captor Sakura getting her magic wand stuck in her cooter, it's out there. And surprisingly, to be honest, it's not nearly as bad as the games. That's damning with faint praise, though, there are scat videos that are more fun than Dragon Quest, and enormous piles of yellow turd are considerably more attractive at that.


A DICK DRAWS NEAR! COMMAND?
The first little yarn in this doujinshi is something I like to call “Princess Gwaelin The Whore.” You see, about midway through the first Dragon Quest, you kill a dragon and rescue a hot little chica named Princess Gwaelin who you have to carry back to the castle. Well, presumably hot. If I was the Dragon Quester, I'd probably just settle for any old NPC girl and screw the stupid Dragon Quest, I can't see a hell of a lot of difference. So you're carrying her, she's useless, and you have to drag her ass back to the castle. Is there a good reason for this? Maybe she's got enormous breasts and is too top heavy? I guess that would begin to explain what the big deal is with rescuing the dumb broad, tits and money. In any case, she's a pretty useless sack of boobfat whose only purpose is to make babies with your avatar and to extend this wretched game series. Why isn't this Ultima, and why don't I have a KILL command? According to this manga, though, she's not only useless, she's also a TRAMP who will sleep with any old Tom, Dick or Ruto who happens to slay the dragon that imprisons her.

So, the hero stops at the Ye Olde Hourlye Raytes Inn to save his game lest he be slain by a wayward palette swap. With the rescued princess in his arms, they retire to their suite. Now, if the princess were any sort of REAL virginal maiden, she would have asked for a separate room (Which I would have declined because I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY HERE, BITCH, IF YOU WANT A SEPARATE ROOM THEN GO KILL SOME DRAKEES YOURSELF), but she puts up no protest whatsoever. She sits on the bed, looking all innocent with a “Oh my, we're in a sleazy motel room together, what is there to do?” look on her face, and then the inevitable.


SLUTTY PRINCESS IS HIT BY BIG DICK FOR 23 DAMAGE!
You could say that the hero 'crawled her dungeon'. You could say he 'hacked his way into her inner sanctum'. You could even say that he 'thrusted his bamboo stick for 3 damage'. You could say those things, and you'd be an asshole. What happens is that the hero, not OUR hero because he's actually more of a villain for starting this godforsaken series, 'unsheathes his broadsword'... Er, whips out his cock, and fucks the Princess. Please note that the Princess was not wearing any panties. Now, she might be able to try and explain this away: The dragon was a pervert with a panty fetish, her snatch gets infected if she wears panties, her panties didn't survive the damage tiles... But, being a trollop, SHE LIES. You see, she took them off when she WILLINGLY GAVE HER BODY TO THE DRAGON, and wasn't able to put them back on in time as the hero busted in and broke up their SEXXXXXY GIRL ON DRAGON ACTION SUBSCRIBE NOW ONE MONTH FREE. So, anyway, they fuck, and... That's it.

No jizzing up her face? back? Stomach? Ass? Well, That's an anticlimax. Kind of like playing the games! In that respect, they succeeded wonderfully in keeping the manga close to canon.



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