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Bluesky

Andore Jr.

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Once everyone at the Holy BBQ notices how clueless you are, you can bet you'll never be invited to a social gathering again. At best, you'll spend eternal life the same way you spent your first life: sitting in front of your computer, touching yourself in such sad and lonely ways, taking time out to post in forums filled with intellectual outcasts and retarded bastards (but, mostly just bastards). Though, it's more likely that Heaven's Head Honcho (a recently promoted Comrade Ragu), will hear of your social blunder and casually bitch-slap you straight to Hell. In this fiery wonderland of eternal pain you will be forced to spend your days: a) attending gothic poetry readings; b) role-playing an overweight Eva character at Otakon; c) incorrectly using Japanese phrases during conversation; d) writing tasteless fanfiction and; e) reading through the forums on AnimeNation. Is that what you want? Do you truly wish to anger Mr. Almighty by wasting your training time here on Earth, brainlessly beating off for all your worth? I don't think you do.

Well, once you and I have learned all we can from hentai, you can bet that we'll all be masturbating in style. Mindfully playing with our testicles and thoughtful of the deeper meanings behind those fucked up pictures you're using in the bathroom stall during lunch break. Study hard to unravel the mystery behind that fantastic fetish that never fails in forcing you to go fetch your Kleenex and stretch your foreskin until your balls quiver and flex, causing your urethra to retch hot, steamy globs of sex. The wonderful world of Japanese eroticism will teach you many things if you only take the time to pay attention and learn. Of course, this is not as easy as I make it sound. When viewing hentai, it can be hard to pay attention to anything but the bulbous buoyant thrashing about in your slacks, threatening to smash and destroy, like the Incredible Hulk, if you don't jerk the life out of it this instant, young man! Really, I understand... but, unless you're a masturbation multi-tasker, some sacrifices must be made for the sake of knowledge. I advise you to go out and buy a pair of black, lacey, steel underwear, slip those puppies on, lock them in place and try to forget about the pain that awaits once your penis begins scraping against its metal restraints. Now pay attention, 'cause school's in session, and I think you're ready for your first lesson!

The first step is figuring out just how well on your way you already are to becoming the Mayor McCheese of Love. The key to answering this question lies in your partner's reaction after a hot and sexy session of lovemaking. You may be saying, “partner? L-lovemaking? That sounds an awful lot like sex with another person. You ask too much of me! Unless you plan on sleeping with me, this is far more than I can accomplish on my own.” I wholeheartedly agree. I don't have standards (or integrity), but even so, the last thing I want to do is touch your greasy little genitals. This is where Hentai comes in to play. And, oh Lordy, do I ever mean “play.” Today, you'll be stepping into the role of an indecisive, horny, young man with a haircut that constantly obscures his facial features. That's right. I'm talking about the faceless male protagonist who inhabits every adult PC game known to man. Since we can't rely on getting any action ourselves, we'll need to live vicariously through H-Game Stud Muffin #1's sexual rampages. We'll use the reactions of these H-game ladies instead of real women. So, go fire up that porno game you shamelessly stole off of the Internet (causing a company to go bankrupt in the process and leaving a staff of hardworking men homeless and unable to feed their families. Dear me, how cruel and thoughtless you hentai fans can be.) and get to choosing your own adventure, as you woo to your heart's content. Once you've gobbled up a couple of girls, you're ready to find out just where you stand as a man.

So, now you're back and you claim that you've “bagged a bunch of bitches.” For the moment, I'll ignore how stupid you sound saying things like that and just get to the point of things. There are five common reactions after sexual conquest in H-games. We'll begin at the bottom.

1) You have sex with some cutie, get dressed, leave, and never hear from her again.

You're probably patting yourself on the back with a self-satisfied smirk, since you finally scored with another woman (totally ignoring the fact that she was a computer graphic moaning some Japanese guy's name rather than yours). Well, congratulations! You're a complete novice when it comes to sex. Now, next time, might I suggest you wipe your hands off before patting yourself on the back?

Falling in this category might leave some people confused as to why they're at the bottom of the lover's ladder. They likely believe that cornering some girl, slobbering all over her and dropping some seed on her stomach is a successful mission. “Who cares if we just parted ways and never got together again,” you say. And that, my dear boy, is why you have no clue when it comes to sex. Sure, you had a great time, but what about the girl? Was she really hitting multiples and moaning in ecstasy or was the poorly worded smut typed out on your screen just lying to you out of sympathy? It's the latter in case you couldn't guess. Don't talk to me about one-night-stands. Such things don't exist in a Japanese sex game! There shouldn't be any girl in Hentai whose hymen you can't break more than once. That is, if you play your cards right.

Her reaction to your frantic humping clearly states that you are a harmless little wretch, not really worth anyone's time. You don't know how to use your penis for anything more than your personal relief, hidden away in some frightening, fanboy dungeon you call your bedroom. Apparently, you have become so accustomed to auto-erotica, you forgot that making love to a woman's vagina isn't the same thing as FUCKING your HAND! You aren't playing vs. the computer anymore, kid. Some sexy female just popped a couple quarters in and joined the game, making things a hell of a lot more complex. Are you just going to let her die as you blindly shoot yourself off to a new high score? Or will you help her out and keep her in the game so you can buck furiously down the road of victory together? If you're stuck in category one, all of the characters in H-games are currently laughing at you. You're also going to Hell.