At this point, I should mention the music. Oh god it’s horrible; I think they just lifted a bunch of songs from VR Troopers (this show's intellectual superior, by the way) and randomly split them into the Action pile and the Porn pile. No worse crime against MIDI has ever been committed than the songs used in this damn series.
The lady who’s afraid her nipples don’t work is actually Miko’s sister Miyu. She’s an actress, you see, and young, budding actresses need good, strong nipples if they're going to get anywhere in the business. What follows is a kitchen table discussion that would be hot if it didn’t hurt to listen to and the two of them were incest-prone lesbians: Miko’s been raiding Miyu’s panties for comfortable pairs and gets scolded for it. This portion of the show consists of three static shots over and over for a relative eternity, while the voice acting pours down your ear canal and ravages your cochlea like a kettle of hot grease. The worst part is that this is a plot point and not just a horrible throwaway joke. Yes, you actually need to pay attention to this to understand the story - though I suppose ignoring it wouldn’t hurt your masturbation much.
She crashes into a tree and, sadly, doesn’t die, which means we get to hear her declare, “Gotta work on my landings!” Oh, what a fine wit! You're a regular Voltaire, Miss Miko. I’m sure I would be too if I were a SHAPE CHANGING TRANSVESTITE DEMON WHORE FROM THE INFERNAL REALMS.
The pain continues at school. Some of Miko’s peers, all speaking in glass-shatteringly high voices, attempt to get her to screw one of her teachers, then accuse her of being a lesbian. Don't tempt us with things you're not planning on delivering anytime soon, show. The crap is finally redeemed, though, with the show’s second jerk moment. Yes, apparently part of Miko’s training as a ninja involves masturbation, which is great for the chicks though I’d rather not stretch it any further than needed, because otherwise we're leaning into Ninja Turtle territory, and I don't think any of you want me to get into that. Well, not many of you, at least. Miko remembers a time when she was off in, judging from the background, some kind of static hell dimension, learning about the man in the boat; which the dubbed actress is actually pretty good at conveying. This is all well and good and makes my penis happy, but then we learn that HER GRANDMA IS WATCHING. Any erection you had going that was not killed by her monstrous transformation during the balcony dive will now be strangled to death by the creepiness of this. And, for the love of god, she’s GETTING OFF AS SHE REMEMBERS THIS. So, she has a thing for showing off to her granny. Like some kind of anti-viagra, this show really wants us to go permanently limp.
So THEN we’re told that she’s an eighteen-year-old virgin. Bullshit; I’ve seen enough hentai that the idea of any Japanese female over the age of twelve being a virgin is completely ludicrous. You’re trying to tell me that there was no perverted teacher who nailed her after class in elementary school? You’re saying that she never went to her best friend’s house and had her maidenhood stolen by the friend’s older brother, that she never had a slumber party with Card Captor Sakura and got violated by that bird-looking wand thing? My belief is no longer suspended here, scriptwriters. Go rewrite the script and amend it accordingly. And if you must have another flashback, make it of the chibi wand sex, please. Thanks.
